My granddaughter, and solely grandchild, is about to be married. I’m not the one one who thinks she might be probably the most stunning, kindest, sweetest and funniest lady in the entire of those United States of America. Her mom and aunt would concur.

Upon studying of this coming union, it stumbled on me that I need to purchase an acceptable robe for the occasion. This did not appear such a problem on the face of it. So the search started.

Lions stalking wildebeests, hunters ready for deer within the forests, cats ready to pounce on mice have been no cagier than I used to be in quest of the proper costume for this all-important event.

Cleverly disguised in denims, a down jacket, boots and winter-jagged fingernails, I raced by means of the racks of clothes at a division retailer. I flicked hangars apart one after one other on the velocity of a lady decided in her quest. Aha. A light-weight floral appeared from nowhere it appeared. I snatched it to my bosom and headed for the money register.

The gum-popper there grabbed my debit card, glared at me as if I is likely to be somebody to not be trusted with popcorn balls, did one thing with the cardboard, returned it and shoved the bag at me. She stated, “You could have 60 days to return this costume in any other case it is yours, Hon.” Out of all that, the phrase, “Hon” reached my consideration. I hate it when strangers name me “Hon.” Makes me really feel like Rosie the Riveter or one of many Andrews Sisters (look it up).

I sped dwelling, bought this garment into the home, checked out it and thought aloud, “What was I pondering?” I hung it rigorously, tucking that 60-day warning into my mind.

The search resumed.

It was time to hit the net shops the place nobody is aware of your identify and may’t inform that your bunions damage, you have not made your mattress since Tuesday, and that you simply and make-up parted pals yesterday.

I went deep: “Fifth is Fourth for Sixth Retailer” in Boulder. I noticed a effective costume, hit “Order,” and I sat again with satisfaction. 4 days later, the field arrived. I opened it with nice pleasure to seek out I had been despatched a very totally different costume in a distinct measurement.Now I needed to take time to name this retailer and inform them it was not honest that I ought to need to pay for postage to return one thing I had not ordered.The customer support rep agreed and after 20 minutes on maintain, I used to be given a 38-digit code to use to my mailing label that may prepay the postage.

Again on-line I went to see what is likely to be lurking at midnight and located one thing in a great colour. I shortly ordered it and waited for its arrival. And waited. It lastly arrived like an overdue child. I opened it to discover a colour that would nicely create nausea all through the bridal get together and friends. I additionally discovered that it got here all the way in which from China and that if I wished to return it, it might price greater than the costume was price to ship it.

I ordered three extra clothes. Now I used to be as much as six.

Within the meantime, that 60-day return restrict from Costume No. 1 had slithered by so I might have that endlessly, no. 2 went again to Boulder, no. three was going to consignment, and I used to be ready for Nos. 4, 5 and 6.

Sadly, no. Four had a wad of cloth bunched up on the waist that would have hidden a being pregnant nicely into its sixth month. “Quantity 5 seems to be like an previous girl costume,” I moaned, and a few member of the family checked out me and stated, “Nicely?”

however no 6? It is good. It is lengthy sleeves drip with crystals, sparkly bits and items. It was designed so the attention goes to 1’s arms as an alternative of waist or hips. Now to seek out the correct footwear and purse. My hair is uncontrollable so I’m in search of a silver mesh bag to place over my head.

I’m wondering if I can be chained to my chair behind the reception room if I request the music individuals to play “Earth Angel” or “Get a Job.”

Susan Keezer lives in Adrian. Ship your excellent news to her at [email protected]

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